Patricia's blog

Vox Hunt: Ice Ice Baby

Show us the inside of your freezer.

Can't right now...there's currently a body in the way. >:-)

Bag of emotions....

I'm hurt, pissed, confused, and very quiet. It's not good when I'm quiet It's a better sign when I'm yelling.

What he did wasn't nearly as bad as the things that I have done. But I thougt we were done hurting each other.

I am not her........

,,,,nor will I ever be.

After Sat's disastrous event, more thoughts are circulating around in my head...and I am running out of room. I was sold on the idea that opposites attract. But am I trying too hard to believe that due to my own relationship? Am I certain that two opposites make a positive? The thoughts are killing the extra space in my brain as I'm now dwelling on this...constantly.

I am not Ryan's type....at all. Physically or intellectually....or whatever is inside of me, that makes me...me. He likes blondes, HUGE fake tits, and small IQ's. He was engaged to a stripper and his last girlfriend right before me....was a stripper.

Nowhere in that category(ies) do I fit. My IQ is bigger than my bra size, I'd rather read classic literature than take my clothes off for dollar bills, and I'm a brunette.

I won't change to fit that mold...ever. I like who I am, I'm secure with who I am, and I'm not concerned if men will find me attractive.

So Sat. he made a beeline to these two blondes sitting at the bar. Being that I'm not the jealous type, I didn't care. Go ahead, talk to them....but never, ever touch. But after a 1/2 hour of him entertaining them, I got a little perterbed. I won't get into what else he did. Yep...they sure were his type alright. Both completely the opposite of me. Had there been two dark haired women with ink, I highly doubt he would have done the same. But wait...that describes me.

Now onto the strippers....I'm having a hard time with this one. I get that men like to see strippers. I get it. But dating one...or more than one?? I'm a bit repulsed, to say the very least. And I'm glad I got fully tested.

Most strippers are also "closet" or very open, hookers. That's usually how it goes. Hmmm....make dollar bills by showing the goods or make $X by sucking dicks by the dozen and lying spread eagle for cash. After all, those Dior bags ain't cheap. And why not....makes sense right? Obviously any and all morals have already been thrown out the window along with their soul and yesterday's g-string. How can I not feel grossed out??

Here's my predesessor:

Is this a Man or woman......

 Yes, ladies and gentlemen, she, he, she-man is a stripper. Now, I'm really, really not trying to be catty....no need to. I respect and admire women's bodies and find them to be magnificant...some of them. But when I saw this....I was....appalled...and offended. Where do I begin? It looks like a fucking tranny. With a jawline like that, I'm expecting at least an 8" cock on this one. And "It" was so materialistic....oh, look at my new Dior bag, my new whatever the fuck shoes. Paying for all those good by just stripping ay? Suuuure. Chicks with Dicks...not into it.

And apparently it was also a graduate of the Tammy Faye Baker Cosmotoloy School. I guess they use paint brushes to apply their war paint makeup.

Not trying to be mean, just kinda stating the obvious. AND this is what he found/finds to be attractive. Where the fuck do I fit in here???? It's a trend.

Yes, I am hurt...deeply. Why girls things like this?? Why strippers/hookers??? This is all sooooo not me. My heart physically hurts. It's clenched up and broken. Do I stay tuned and find out what lies further down the rabbit hole and possbily have to kill a stripper and skin him alive......or take the other path? Whatever that may be. Fuck!!!!! I thought I had it all figured out. FUCK!!!

QotD: *blushes*

What compliment are you most often given?

That I'm a fantastic cook. I got some mad skills in the kitchen. :)

Soulmates, Soul'mistakes'.............

I guess they say that everyone in life has a supposed soulmate. Who exactly is "they"...dunno, but I'm open to hear what "they" say.

I know I found mine. We met in college and there's always been this connection...this undeniable sexual tension. We were about as close, emotionaly and physically as two people could be...without being in a defined relationship...and minus the sex. It felt so natural to be with him, so comfortable, so....right. We both loved each other deeply, but still didn't want to cross the lines of friendship. It was odd. We'd always cuddle on the couch and in bed...always so close, as if we were in the same skin.

Six years later....we finally, finally had sex. After college he moved to Florida for a job, and I was crushed. Over a Memorial Day weekend, I flew to FL to see him....honestly, I flew there with the full intention of finally sharing all intimacies with him, dammit.

Years later, we still communicated...a lot. We both finally shared how we really felt deep down inside. That we loved each other; always have and always will. He convinced me to move to FL or for him to move to Seattle. As much as I loved him, there was one barrier standing on way. Family. He wanted to have one badly...and soon. I on the other hand....not so much. He tried to convince me that he would be ok with just one child and that he would do all the work. That wouldn't be fair to anyone...not him, the child, or me. I couldn't get past it. I felt that I still have so much life to live....and to live it the way I wanted to. I'm still selfish and spoiled and don't want to give that up for the responsibility of another life.

That was the breaking point. I gave him up because I couldn't give myself up to a life that I didn't want. 10 years later and our communication has come to a stop. My fault. I've changed email address and phone numbers and have yet to let him know. I called it quits when he got married last year. As much as it broke my heart, I was happy for him. That he found someone who could give him what I could not. And as for me....I found someone who understands where I am in life and is in the same boat with me. Both love being childless and love being in love with Shepherds.

As "they" say....you're not really supposed to end up with your soulmate for the long term. They are just supposed to enter your life for a brief moment and leave. I can't remember why or if that's even true. Nonetheless....I know I made the right decision, but I think about him every so often and love him still.  

Baron- 9 months later......

I am beginning to think that Baron thinks he's part human..... :)

 

Baron- 9 months 002

 

Baron- 9 months 006

Vox Hunt: My Favorite Tee

Show us your favorite t-shirt.

T-shirt Hell

Complete and utter mumblings.....

Eh....just got done watching a porno...disappointing.

Sometimes I wonder why or what makes me so "abnormal" and/or "different" ... maybe it's just the people I associate with...who knows.

I understand that "normal" is quite relative, as if saying that something or someone is beautiful. Not everyone can agree. BUT I can't stop being overly introspective. I know what makes me tick...but I want to know why it does. Does it really come down to the nature vs. nurture theory? If I would have been accepted and loved unconditionally by both parents, would it change who I am today? Or what if I had different parents....would I be compltely different than I am now?

I feel like there is a constant, internal struggle inside of me. A double personality, so to speak....an alter ego. I was brought up to be a classic beauty, like a Katherine Hepburn. Elegant in its simplicity. But deep down, I have this untamed wild side. Bondage, pain, rebellion, tattoos, and all things dark and morbid. Yet....there's that other part of me who love the "glamorous life." Fancy dresses and shoes, expensive purses and a love of the finer things that life has to offer.

But, I would give up everything for one thing.....unconditional love. As in one of my favorite poems by Edgar Allen Poe, Annabel Lee. A love so deep that even the angels above were jealous....so jealous they sent out a wind chilling, and killing his beloved Annabel Lee. But even death couldn't part his love for her as he lay down by her tomb each night.

Perhaps it is just all a tale....is there a love that runs so deep that not even death can survive love?

I've been tested and told that the perfect man does exist...but only in my mind. A mere creation in my head, generated by my heart. Perfect.

Maybe it's been me the entire time. Maybe I'm just too fucked up to realize. Let's see...could have been married, several times over, yet I chose not to. I'm 30 and never married...by choice. Is that weird?? Nearly all of my high school classmates are already married with multiple children and some are already working on their 3rd marriage.

Okay.....I've narrowed down the pro's and con's:

Pro's: reasonably attractive, quite intelligent, well read, articulate, loves to travel, am an excellent cook and can bake...just about anything...oh and I clean house too
Con's: HATES football, loves ink, spends a bit on shoes, clothes, purses, loves german shepherds to the point of obsession....I'm sure there's more.   

 So what's the point of all this??????? Just some of the maddness in my head.

 

Vox Hunt: Treasure Hunt

Show us a treasure.

My boys Cito and Baron.......'specially Cito....I wish he were human. :)

Cito....my Honeybear....

 

The Kids..... 014

Deep conversations.....in my head....and it's starting to hurt...& that opposites DO attract

 

Exploding head

I hate to say it...but I'm a deep kinda person. I thrive on intellectual, deep, and meaningful conversations. I have so much on my mind, constantly; from the past, the present, and future. I'd love to shut the tv off, grab a bottle of wine and bare my soul to the one I share my life with. I've tried, but each time proved to be rather unsuccessful. It always reverts back to something comical or it deviates completely off course. And I give up.

I want to share my pain, what brings me happiness, and to just....talk. I want to share why I am the way that I am, why I feel the way I do, and spill my thoughts out as if to cleanse my soul.

Is it possible that he's uncomfortable with conversations of that nature? That I don't care about the latest Cosmo quiz, and would rather share a part of what makes me, me? I love classic literature but I don't expect to converse about the Divine Comedy, Candide, Poe......I just want to talk more about us, not what's going on in the lives of our friends.

I'm not trying to muddle over how I can solve world hunger, or that I have the answer to global warming.  

To really get to know me, you have to dig way deep inside, find that vulnerable spot in my heart and uncover the cobwebs that hold it together.

I guess that's part of why I can't sleep....I seem to have these conversations constantly running through my head, as if I'm sharing my thoughts with someone....but alas, it's just me. (Note: I don't hear voices in my head, mind you.)

Or perhaps, I want to know everyting about the person I share my entire life with. Their sorrow, their burdens, and their happiness.

Opposites attract

I guess I do have to believe in that old cliche....opposites attract. I can't think of any other explantion for the existence of Ryan and me. I simply can't live without him. And I've tried. He's frat boy, yuppy,and preppy. I'm dark, pretty inked up, non-girly (on the inside, mostly) have a morbid sense of humor, and a touch evil.

I'm sure we get looks. He's in his argyle sweater, designer jeans, and preppy shoes. Me...I'm in my skull boots, black t-shirt, skull necklace and ring, with exposed tat's.  

Part of me thinks that we don't really need to say much....we know each other pretty well. Kind of an unspoken understanding.

But still......I feel like my head is about to explode from all the thoughts clogging up my head. Arrgh.

It's 1:52am.....gonna try and shut my brain down and pretend to sleep. G'nite.